my third day of sobriety 9/9/6 and it's not pretty. First of all, I didn't realize to the extent of what a pussy I am. Apparently, I'm deathly afraid of ghosts and people breaking into my apartment. Secondly, it's boring and dreary as fuck. It's makes life and the world seem like a really drab bowl of noodles with no tomato sauce. Thirdly, my libido got erased from my psyche like a wrong math equation from an old chalkboard. Fourthly, I can't sleep. Well, duh. Fifthly, apparently the shakes don't go away immediately. Sixthly, I know I can't go out because I'll start drinking. Now, for the positive things. My writing is a lot better. I'm'nna see if I can't finish the rough draft of my book this week. It's a lot more coherent obviously and way funnier. Yesterday, I suddenly realized why people talk on cell phones. I used to not understand it because if you talk to these people in real life, they have absolutely nothing interesting to say, but they're constantly talking on their phones. about what and to whom? I used to wonder, but now I know it's nothing, . . . absolutely nothing. It's like a milder form of kissing. When you kiss someone, you're not saying anything at all except: "I like you." Chatting with someone on the phone is just a way of showing affection. I guess. I don't know. I suppose there's many reasons, but i'm talking about people who are constantly blatherly inane bullshit on their phones. It's like they're so deathly afraid of solitude that they can't stand to be alone even for one second. Actually, maybe I haven't gotten to the bottom of this deep mystery. Perhaps I never will. Another thing I've learned is that alcohol is not only a weakness of mine but also a strength. Having comfort, companionship, amusement, a sense of security (albeit false), and the ability to sleep within an arm's reach is really a blessing. God bless legal drugs. And music's a hell of a lot better with alcohol. almost everything is. Another thing that I hope to get a better understanding of is this extreme social anxiety that I have. Over the past few years, I've developed this fucked up syndrome where for no particular reason, if some random person says something to me, I feel really really hot, I start sweating, trembling, my mind goes into a complete panic, and I have to run out of the room. Now this is the complete opposite of the young Tomatoes. I used to be the most confident person that I knew. Now, I'm just the opposite. Maybe the world has beaten me down, I don't know. Maybe it's just the alcohol. I'm going to see if it subsides at all. Maybe a week of no drinking is not enough to truly know. I will keep y'all posted as to any further personal illuminations that might develop. Do not be alarmed, it's not permanent 9/10/6 I'm getting the impression that people are thinking that I'm trying to go sober permanently. That is not the case. It is only a week long experiment. It is now my fourth day of sobriety, and I'm starting to get used to it. It kind of reminds me of when I was young, those long, boring summers in Houston trying to find something to do. This morning I rode my bike to the LA Trade Tech track to go jogging. (That's right I'm a dork) I love that place for jogging though. I have to go through one of the shittiest, most depressing parts of town and then when I finally get to the track, I feel like I'm in the middle of the ruins of armageddon. Everything's dusty. There's all this dust blowing all over the place. Besides that, there's nothing around but big industrial buildings and very little people. It's so apocalyptically delicious. I can't go to normal exercise places though. I love exercise, but hate the other people that do it. But today, oh my lord, there was some crazy man out there with no shirt; just a towel around his neck and some pants and sneakers. He was doing some weird little lazy boxing, walking shuffle thing that I'm assuming he considered to be exercise. I was trying my best to ignore him. I pass him and he's like, "Hey man!, those prison tattoos?" and mind you, I'm going pretty fast, well, OK, I was going at a moderate rate, and I had headphones on, and for some reason, this guy thought that I went there to go find people to socialize with, or maybe he was trying to make fun of me, I don't know, but I go right past him and he keeps on yelling that question, "I WAS ASKING!, ARE THOSE PRISON TATTOOS?!?!" The only reason I could hear him is one of my speakers is blown out. I didn't respond. I didn't even barely look at him. I started thinking, "Oh shit, maybe I should start bringing a knife with me when I come running, or even worse maybe I should start going to the USC track to go jogging." I was pretty close to leaving before doing my three miles. He kept on yelling stuff at me and doing his boxing thing. I don't know how to fight. I've never been in a fist fight in my life. I have no idea what I would do. I've only been attacked once by a stranger. It was in the ghetto in Guadalajara. I was 19 and shit-faced at four in the morning. I acted like a total pussy, but anyway that's a whole 'nother blog. Anyway, he finally left. I finished and rode my bike back home. But, it really reminded me of being young. of just fucking around being kind of bored even with nothing to do necessarily, and I liked it. Last night sucked though. Saturday night. Thinking about everybody out and about enjoying alcohol. Or even staying home and enjoying alcohol. Thinking how easy it would be to go to the store and buy a 24 ounce Steel Reserve and how nice it would feel. But today, I feel fine. It's weird though. I felt hungover when I woke up. I'm not craving alcohol although I'ld really like to have some. Wait, that's the same thing. DREAMS BEFORE DRUNK DAYS 9/14/6 It hasn't felt this good in so long, I almost started forgetting what it felt like. It's like it's twilight all day long. How lovely. I went and hung out at Echo Park for hours today. It was heavenly. It was like god was giving me a big kiss on the lips. Anyway, besides that I have officially completed seven days of sobriety. I am currently working on my eighth. I am looking forward to stuffing my face with beer instead of food. Just kidding. I have been enjoying it. I think a lot more clearly. I feel less nervous talking to people during the day. It would be cheaper if it wasn't for the fact that this sobriety thing makes me ravenously hungry especially for sweets. I've been able to sleep too. Tomorrow night will be my first beer. I will have nine days under my belt. I was considering going for a whole month, but I just don't feel like it. I thought it would be better to just see how long I can go not drinking during the week. Yesterday, I was in a Leslie and the Ly's video. It was definitely one of the highlights of 2006 so far. Very fun, and I was totally sober. I felt really nervous, but thankfully wasn't blushing as far as I know. The video was based on the movie Willow, and I was a warrior protecting the baby. I had this huge macho sword. It was almost as big as my penis. I was very stoic. I impressed Leslie by licking the sword. They gave me a cape to wear, and let me keep it. Then we went to get pizza, and I kept the cape on and I was playing those lame video games that you win tickets with, and I won Leslie a fire department badge. She was very impressed with that. She put it on her shirt. When I first met her, she didn't look anything like the pictures that I had seen, but she said her name was Leslie, then the boys and girls split up into different rooms to get dressed, and after a while she came back out and it was totally her. Huge hair, huge blue eye make-up, huge sunglasses, this crazy looking gold body suit. She looked stupendous. I got a big autographed picture. She's an amazing dancer. Even better than me somehow. It blew me away. And this new song is really catchy too. She's playing at Safari Sam's on Monday if you want to go see her. This is her first time in Los Angeles. At the video shoot, I made some friends too. Nerds that will play Risk with me hopefully. We were dorking out drinking coffee, eating donuts, reading Dungeon magazine, and talking about role-playing games it was fun. I'm sure there's much more I could say about the experience, but I feel really lazy. Anyway, about my sobriety, I truly feel that I'm going through a personal transformation (even if that transformation might end up being only temporary and experimental), and being in that video will probably be part of my permanent memory of this experience. ********I have a lot of dreams, and they all take place in Houston and Austin. I started drinking daily just a little bit before moving to California when I was 22, and I think maybe I don't have any dreams that take place here because maybe I haven't been all that conscious. Maybe this whole period of my life hasn't left too deep an impression on my inner psyche, you know? Also, when I'm alone in my apartment, I'm really scared of ghosts coming out of closets and of strangers breaking into my house. These are fears that I had when I was a young child. It makes me wonder if the constant innebriation has stunted my mind's ability to grow out of these irrational fears. ********In a previous installation of this SOBRIETY BLOG, I was talking about how I don't understand people talking on their cell phones all the time. Well, I came upon one more reason people might use these "cell phones". It's for hooking up with members of the opposite sex. I remember doing this when I was a teenager, (just normal phones though) and I geuss it works, but not so sure it's always worth it. Not so sure if it's ever worth it. It's like this thing from TV and movies that teaches us guys that we have to sell ourselves to women. You know, come to think of it, 99.9999% of us, men and women alike, have absolutely no idea what they are actually seeking from these sexual relationships. They've probably never even thought about it. They just go through the motions because that's what we're supposed to do. ********This life is very exhausting, but I don't mean to bore you or depress you. I think I might be writing this for myself more than anything else. Have you ever read a journal that you wrote years ago? It's the funnest thing on the planet. *********So, I mentioned in a previous blog that I was wondering if alcohol contributed to my blushing, social anxiety problem, and I've decided that it most defintely does. It not only contributes to it, but is also the main reason for it. This whole week, I have felt very comfortable talking to almost anybody. I defintely want to have sober days in the future. It's not so bad. It's not much different actually. *********I watched Slacker the other night for the first time in years, and it didn't seem as corny as I thought it was going to seem. But, I knew for sure it was going to make me feel nostalgic as hell and sure as hell it did. I miss Austin so bad. I think about it constantly, but then I caught myself. I remembered that every once in a while, I think that I miss Austin, and then I go and visit and I hate it and I'm bored and hot as hell. It's not Austin that I miss. It's the memories. Experiences that I'll never be able to live again. I'll never get to be 19 and shooting speed for the first time. I'll never get to be 18 and have my own apartment for the first time and fuck girls and get drunk and blare records all night and do drugs and not have to worry about work, and go and visit Houston all the time, and go to Mexico all the time, and blah blah blah. Whatever, memories. Soon, I'll be dead and I won't even get to experience my own memories anymore for exactly what they are: memories. That's one of the main reasons I like writing. I don't want to waste my life by not recording it. If it was boring it probably wouldn't bother me as much, but it hasn't been boring. I want to be eternal and writing is the best way to do it. *********I'm sure you probably know at least one bicycle enthusiast that's anti-SUV. They say that they pollute a lot. In case you don't know, I'm in school to get a smog liscense, and one thing that dawned on me today (while doing smog tests in class) is that SUV's have to pass the exact same smog tests that little low emissions Japanese cars take, so what is this pollution?Sometimes, they're even cleaner than small cars, so what's the deal with this? If you know, please let me know. **********I'm'nna go ahead and post this without editting. My computer is acting crazy. Just a couple of Steel Reserves for courage 9/15/6 Yes, that's right. I'm drinking my first Steel Reserve in 9 days, and it actually feels kind of weird. It doesn't feel unpleasant, just weird. even unnatural. I got my running distance up to 5 miles today and it was easy. I feel like I can accomplish anything. I want to do the LA Marathon. When I first moved to LA, I lived in my car for the first five months, and I'ld get up every morning and run three miles at LACC, and I had all these grandoise dreams of being the first person to run the LA Marathon that lives in their car. Wow, I'm only halfway through this Steel Reserve and I can already feel it making me lazy. It was a bummer though. Channel 11 used to have COPS on from 3 to 4 in the afternoon. That's my favorite show. I was hoping to have my first beer while watching it, but it's no longer there. It's the Tyra Show!!! What the fuck is that!!?!???!! And now, I'm smoking a cigarette!!! Gee whiz, what's happening to me? 211 is corrupting my life goals! On my way home from the track, I was thinking about yet another reason I hate christians. You know how when someone is on a diet and they've only been eating carrots and celery for days, so they feel entitled to eat a whole pint of ice cream therefore completely erasing all of their previous attempts? Well that's how I would describe the irrational approach that a lot of christians have towards their bizarre moral codes of behaviour. You know what I mean: "Hey, I've been feeding the homeless every christmas and thanksgiving for years now, so I'm entitled to anally rape my six-year-old step-daughter. After all, Jesus died for our sins, so LET'S GO NUTS!!!!!!! and then I'm going to be a catholic preist!! and then go to Mardi Gras and try to convert the heathens while staring at the nasty bleach blond girls going wild showing their nasty tits leaking imaginary mammary fluids." "You yearn, you burn with desire! Your pants are on fire!" -Leslie Hall Yeah, that's right. I'm listening to Leslie and the Ly's. A musical genius if there ever was one. Twenty years from now, people are going to look back at Leslie like they look at Elvis now. Only I hope she shares her pills with me before she dies. I watched Last House on the Left last night. If you like being disturbed, I would highly suggest it. It was easily one of the hardest movies to sit through that I've ever seen in my entire life. Well, I guess that's about it for the sobriety blog. In conclusion, Ild like to say that this whole thing has been very rewarding. It's truly a remarkable way of life, occasionally being sober. I was able to conquer a heroine habit, various meth habits, and now alcohol. I FEEL ON TOP OF THE WORLD~!!!!!!!!!!!!!