Tomatoes Blog Posts 2005 – 2010

I used to always prefer friendster to myspace. I don't like how the setup of your profile looks. It's like they went out of their way to make it different from friendster but really all they did was to make it akward. But then again, friendster doesn't have blogs. I do e-mail correspondence like a…

OK, get ready for a depressing blog entry. Hopefully it's interesting. Maybe it'll just be boring, I don't know. I've been wanting to write this for a while but I''ve been really busy. The other day, I had this bad dream. I was at my mom's house in Houston. I was standing in her bedroom talking on…

I was intending for my next blog entry to be about how much I hate christians, but I just don't feel like spouting hatred today. You see, it's my birthday weekend. I took the day off of work today just for the hell of it, and I've never even done that once in the year and a half that I've had my…

Gee whiz I've been so god damn it fucking busy that I haven't been able to do a blog entry for awhile and I'm not quite sure what it's going to be about, but there's this dream that I had a few days ago that had a big effect on me. You see, I'm writing a book a s I may've already mentioned, and I…

I got back from Austin about a week ago. It was totally fun. I wanted to go for SXSW, but I got my plane ticket on the wrong dates. Maybe it's for the better though because if it would've been SXSW, I probably wouldn't've been able to get in anywhere. That can't be correct English: wouldn't've? The…

The SEX Blog! Ha! I knew that would get your attention, but it wasn't necessarily misleading. This blog is in fact about sex, but it doesn't necessarily have any sort of positive message behind it. I'll start it off with something that I wrote (by hand) while taking a plane from LA to Austin about…

Yes, it's true, I got hit by a truck on my way to work this morning. Originally this blog was going to be an attempt to solicit legal consul from my friends and associates but now I'm convinced that it's quite the amusing anecdote, so I'll leave it at that. Plus, I've already made all of my…

So, I haven't written a blog entry in quite a while. So, pretty uneventful times, ... ha, geez are you kidding me? Never is my life uneventful. I'm a magnet to events so to speak. I don't know if it's the music I listen to or what, but I 'm obsessed with the idea of murdering people. Except for you…

Pardon me while I get all philosophical and shit, but nobody else exists besides myself. There's absolutely nobody else that truly exists and there's no way that you can prove to me that they do. I know the whole idea may seem like a bummer to you. The whole idea that I'm the only person completely…

I woke up today without a hangover for the first time in years. I don't know what to think. I'm still shaking though. I have no idea how long it takes for that to go away, but I'm not giving it much of a chance to do so, seeing as how I'm getting drunk tonight at Sarah Anne's birthday party. So, my…

So, yesterday, I had a plane ticket to go to Austin. It was Hiroshima day. August 6th. Also, Felicia, my first girlfriend's birthday. She's the bomb, get it? . . . .the bomb? I got a hernia operation a few days ago, and it's an excuse to not have to go to work for a couple of weeks, so I wanted to…

OK, so, you're probably going to get a kick out of this blog. It cracks me up how much I question my own beliefs. I guess it's a healthy habit to do that, but I don't know, . . . . ha ha! here I go again!! So, anyway, this first part is something I wrote a while ago, and it regained its relevancy…

Oh shit, I had plans to not go on Friendster and MySpace until I finished my book. I was going to just spend everyday writing my book until I finished it, probably it would take about a month, but my life is in upheaval right now because heterophobes are trying to push me out of my home. I was so…

true story: As you may already know from my other blog, I used to always hang out at the mall when I was in the sixth grade. There was this guy that used to hang out there too named Otto. He was my self-proclaimed godfather. He liked to think of himself as having big ties with crime. He bought me…

This is my pre-vasectomy journal. I will be adding to this daily, so if you read this and the last journal entry is anything before January 13, make sure to revisit this later to get the complete story. Thursday, December 15, 2005**************************************************************** i…

April 4, 2006*********************I LOVE RAIN BLOG!!!!!!!!! Aw gosh, how I love the rain so much. It's absolutely blissful. Remember last year's winter here in LA when it rained everyday for months on end? Now that was stupendous. I felt like god was smiling down on me. Not like I believe in any of…

just kidding although it is true that I haven't adjusted to the warm weather yet, and it is in fact making me a little grumpy. not that much though. I'm coming down off of a line of coke that my girlfriend gave me before she went to wqork. It wasn't a big enough line to make me high, just big…

A whole lot has been going on with me. Namely, new job with zero InterNet time, so I am no longer on MySpace except for maybe an hour a week. This means: 1) no more blogs (oh, boo hoo. I'm sure you're so upset. Although, now that i stop to think about it, whenever I do post anything new, I always…

In case you haven't been following the saga here are parts one and two (This is sloppy as hell, but I don't feel like edittititing, so fuck off; just kidding of course) life apparently still has some brutal lessons to teach me part two In case you didn't get a chance to read part one, here it is:…

so the housewarming party was a success Thanks everybody who showed up. I took some rohypnol towards the end of the night and blacked out, but from what I remember these are the people that showed up: Sam (my best friend from high school we grew up on the same street back in H-town, and now we once…

If you are jewish, fuck you. Don't get me wrong, if you're christian, muslim, hindu, etc., fuck you as well, but especially, if you are jewish, fuck you. You are a fucking idiot, and you have probably never even read your own damn bible, because if you would've you wouldn't even be jewish because…

I don't understand why y'all people have these interesting names on MySpace, and pretend to be interesting on MySpace, but in real life you're the blandest motherfucker on Earth, and I'm not talking about shy people. Y'all have an excuse. I'm shy too, but I'm usually drunk as hell, so that's…

tomorrow, August 1st will be my fourth year mark living in LA, and boy I'll tell you it's been great. Well it's not exactly paradise or anything, but I sure love it. Well, then again, maybe I don't even necesarrily love it all the time, but it's home to me all right. I've never felt this at home in…

and the christians, and the muslims, and the hindus. Can't really see any reason to exterminate the buddhists, but why don't we go ahead and exterminate them too while we're at it because religions are bullshit, and none of it really exists and people kill each other over and the whole world is…

Is it my imagination or does MySpace not let you log on late at night, so as to not do any drunk typing? So, I'm writing this on Yahoo to save it because I don't trust my computer and then tomorrow I'll move it over. And plus, Yahoo has spell check Anyway, I have this cell phone, and I'm a little…

I was just wondering. You know I've been constantly thinking of my childhood dream of moving to San Francisco, and then I took this cheesy quiz: American Cities That Best Fit You: 70% San Francisco 65% Chicago 65% Los Angeles 65% San Diego 60% Washington, DC Which American Cities Best Fit You?

my third day of sobriety 9/9/6 and it's not pretty. First of all, I didn't realize to the extent of what a pussy I am. Apparently, I'm deathly afraid of ghosts and people breaking into my apartment. Secondly, it's boring and dreary as fuck. It's makes life and the world seem like a really drab bowl…

I thought that would get your attention, but I didn't just write that for shock value. I wrote it because I truly believe they do suck, but it's not for the same reasons that you might be thinking. They are a bunch of stupid fucking assholes because men are a bunch of stupid fucking assholes, and…

Have you ever eaten one of these? For starters, let me just warn you. They're not that good. That being said, allow me to continue about the weird, bizarre world of El Salvador. First of all, it's tiny. really, really tiny. I was there once, and I walked up the street to take a bus and low and…

A few years ago, this woman (who I had only met once when I was like 19 and going to UT, and I was shit-faced drunk and don't even remember what she looked like. She came over to my apartment and I wouldn't stop blasting records, so she left) contacted me, obsessed with the fact that me and her…

I have recently stopped speaking Spanish. It was only a matter of time after moving to LA. In case you don't know, I'm white and latino. I'm from Argentina, born there, raised in Texas since the age of three months old. I always refused to speak Spanish for some bizarre and shameful reason. My mom…

Dear Tomatoes, I just really need a guy's opinion and point of view. So here it goes, I have had the same fuck buddy for the past year and some months, and I of course have developed some feelings for the guy, but at the same time I have hooked up with other guys too cause I am technically single,…

I wrote this about 6 years ago while living in San Diego. It's based on my own life. I can't find the ending though. I found it in my old e-mail archives. I wanted to also put this amazing photo collage that I made too, but photobucket won't work for me. What else works good for posting photos in a…

Do you feel like your whole life is upside down? Do you sometimes feel like the entire universe could just come to a complete halt at any second and it just wouldn't matter? Well, you have come to the right place. Allow Tomatoes to make everything OK once again. After the correct implementation of…

Dear Tomatoes, I dated a guy for awhile, after about a month or two of hooking up, I found out that he'd made out with dudes before. He said that he'd never technically had sex with a man, but he was attracted to men as well as women. At that point in time, we were having good sex, I knew he was…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIgkPenbB4k

before I go to bed because I love nightmares, and I heard from someone that if you eat really spicy food before you go to bed it gives you really bad nightmares, and apparently, they were right. I get those nightmares where I don't realize I'm dreaming, and then something really terrorific happens.…

That and weed and being shit faced twenty-four hours a day. I love this place. Women look at me like a peice of meat. That's totally all right with me. I was sitting in a bar last night, and this woman was trying to make out with me. Ha! Yeah, that makes me pretty horny. Wow, I'm so happy. San…

Alert Alert Alert! Bicycle road trip postponed because of three day vacation to the Harbor/UCLA resort due to alcoholic pancreatitus. Life involunatrily transformed. Stay tuned for highly entertaining blog chock full of misery, despair, and various other forms of comical tragedy starring me,…

A Sunday in April 2007, I woke up with a huge hangover. Nothing unusual. Me and Ilona went to Venice Beach and the Museum of Jurassic Technology. I drank beer and smoked pot all day. It was so fun. It was cool and cloudy. God loved me that day. Not so much the following. The next day, I woke up…

I went to San Diego and she wouldn't have sex with me. We got naked and my penis was so big and engorged, it hurt. But no sex. her ovaries hurt. My pancreas hurt. As well as my genitals and my back. It was so sunny, I was afraid to go outside, I felt dizzy and nauseous, but I went and got on the…

last night, I was laying there laying there laying there and I couldn't sleep, so I took a ride down to the transvestite liquor store so named because it's where all the she-male hookers always hang out. Yeah, you know the one over by Santa Monica and Highland. It's entertaining to me. I don't know…

In case you didn't know, I rode my bicycle to San Diego a while ago. I really took my time doing it. It was extremely fun. That's a whole separate blog though. I wrote this along the way, at a liquor store nearby camp in Encinitas: "Whoa, those women were looking at me. They probably want to hang…

You will completely lose it after reading this book, Arabs and Israel For Beginners. The book is not Anti-Semitic, but still all the same, I will never be able to look at another yamaka or however in the fuck, its spelt without shuddering in disgust. You could search the earth high and low, through…

, and the reasons why, . . . 1. Big Sunglasses: I could actually write a whole entire blog about how much I hate big sunglasses or really just sunglasses in general, but here's the basic jist: It radiates insincerity. It's a fake confidence. Also, I hate people that pretend to love sunshine when…

You cheapen life. As if it wasn't cheap enough. Your fucking brain has the same worth as a box of Pampers you fucking slobber factory. I really gotta say this. The ultimate red flag to how stupid someone is pops up in the first ten seconds that you meet them. Anybody that feels the need to tell…

You are a total fucking sucker. george bush is the anti-ggallin. You're supposed to hate him. Yeah, direct all of your anger at him, you fucking mindless nincompoop. And, call attention to how stupid he is. You're only proving that you yourself are stupid. Vote for yourself in 2008. "Somewhere in…

Where everybody's going into Mexico and there's so much traffic? I don't even know where to begin on this one. Obviously, it's based on Tijuana, but since when is there traffic going into Mexico? And the sad irony is that Tijuana is so totally morbidly fucked because of the new passport policy, and…

but that's what I love about it. Hi, are you ready for this week's drunk Sunday morning posting? First of all, I'ld just like to say that I deeply apologize for all of the mean things I said last week. I'm sorry. I was drunk, really really drunk. I'm not even quite sure what I said. I don't…

yes, it's me once again spouting my apologies on a hungover/drunk Sunday morning. I have no idea what that last sentence meant. I was trying to roll with it and come up with something to apologize for, but I couldn't think of anything. It may be the forty beers I drank last night. I didn't even…

When you need to know what someone’s job is before you have sex with them, you are the ultimate puta.Last time I checked, the purpose of sex was fun and to get off, but there’s this thing, and you know what I’m talking about. Insert short-haired white guy here. The most non-descript possible. The…

You’re going to love this story. I was a senior in high school, and girls were gawking me, and I told them, we can make this happen. I can take the flower away from you. My penis works way too well. This was back then when I could tell underage girls crude shit because I was underage too. I had a…

I think it was the third grade. Lovett Elementary. We got to use the pens. I had this one old white lady teacher. She was the one that took us out for recess. And this being Houston, it was so hot as shit outside, and we were little kids all running around, sweating and what not having fun and then…

is Cher Armenian or what? Come on, I can take it. I need the truth. Has Britney Spears ever given anyone a blowjob? Intoxicated minds need to know. It's the quest for truth. The quest for fiber pills. And by the way, I want to go and find whoever decided the its and it's bullshit. I wanna punch…

I just thought I would clear that up. According to MySpace, I am gay, and I get all these advertisements for gay shit. "It's" hideous. It really grosses me out. Not the gay thing just men. Heterosexual women gross me out just as bad except when they're fucking me. That's perfectly natural because…

As I was getting home today from work after a nice refreshing bunch of beers with my coworkers, I was so excited to open my mailbox and see my Doctor Who in there (I have a subscription to Netflix with nothing but Doctor Who), I was surprised and a bit appalled to see a letter from My Dad and Step…

You know what I'm saying? I know it may be a nice convenient crutch to blame your imbecility on the ethnic group that you coincidentally happen to be a part of, but I have even less respect for that. I'ld rather you just be stupid and proud. And the wierdest part about it is the whole "ethnic…

and the its and its. And that and the other thing. It just makes me make you stop and think, that YOU are going to be the one to look immorally wrong. Wow, Tomatoes is a rascist.. I won't even think that much, but in your trained mind, the stuff that people told you in elementary, it makes you…

I don't know if you've ever encountered this. I'm sure you have. The total dipshit. I'm sure you have. I saw an old aquantince of mine last night from Houston. She looked just like Buddy Bradley's girlfriend, but somehow incredibly even more stupider. "Yeah, I've been in San Francisco for 10…

look through fucked up glasses. There's nothing even wrong with my vision. I see from here to there and everywhere other were. They trained me to think I need to wear underwear. I don't understand the point of underwear. Is it so you shit your pants at work, so you can just wipe up a bit and get…

so the other day, I went with one of my best friend's to Jumbo's. The plan was just Wednesday afternoon bicycle bar-hopping, and that just so happened to be the first stop. I really didn't want to go. I don't like strip bars. It's too personal for me. I just think about their lives, about their…

it's a bit spooky how much this author has made me into the person that I am today. He's a "children's" author. The main character always smokes cigars even though he's eight years old. And he makes it a point to venture around on the bus. And he comes across total weirdos. Everybody stays awake…

rap music. It transcends like what kind of stuff I dislike and enters the dimension of everything that I fucking totally hate in the world. I can think of no other thing that brews up as much hatred and anger in me as rap music. That is my hell. Rap music is my hell. Those same feelings and…

Never even mind bothering yourself wondering what I'm doing here on this planet. I'm on a mission for the Keys of Time. Me and my lovely assistant, Romana. Isn't she breath taking? And don't fuck with my scarf. Time and Relative Dimension in Space. A really, really long scarf. And my dog will shoot…

"This is 103.5, the Coast. We're playing nothing but love songs after ten. Caller, where are you 'coasting' from?" a sexy mature lady's voice asked. "This is Jennifer in Los Angeles. I want to dedicate a song for my boyfriend. He's in the next room, and he's high." "Wow, what an accomplishment. How…

Walking down that trail over and over again. I've never seen anywhere so devoid of human life. I got lost in the desert. I caught a ride to San Bernardino with Tomato. We were gone camping. There was a bunch of us, and yeah, you guessed it, I was shitfaced drunk listening to headphones. I was…

Walking down those dusty trails. Not even the comfort of a few extra hot cup of tea beers eased my pain, but Snoopy; I knew she was back in LA. Snoopy would take a nap with me on the floor. Snoopy will lick those wounds like an affectionate puppy. All I have to do is walk into the lights. That's…

I got really tired. I kept walking like those drunk jocks told me down by the powerlines, and I kept on thinking that I could hear cars. That's what kept me walking. Yeah, it was probably 3 in the morning. There's no traffic in San Bernardino County at 3 in the morning. My mind didn't realize that.…

You probably think I'm going to say something offensive here. Well, I'm a serious dud right now. The subject line is pretty much all I come up with right now. A slight fizzle and then absolutely nothing. The wind is blowing in my head. I'm listening to Reagan Youth. They sound so good, but I'm…

oh my god! I have no idea why this band named themselves after a town in Texas, and I don't understand quite why they're spelling it wrong, but oh my lord!, do I love it ever! You know, I know I'm preaching to the choir because I'm sure all of y'all have already been listening to this band til youl…

How are you? That's a rhetorical question. I'm so tired, I don't even really remember what the word rhetorical even means right now, but I've heard people use that expression before, and it made them seem really smart and stuff, so I thought I would try to pass myself off as clever using it as…

You know that corny song? I'ld give you a million dollars if they didn't play it every single time I went to the roller skating rink when I was a little kid. I never understood it. And then, after I had witnessed sex, I asked a friend of mine, (another little kid) "Why do they make those noises…

I was thinking all day about how much I wanted to kill the dog. He's always back there fucking with my head. I just couldn't wait to get alone and kill him. My plans were to kill him gently. You know, a sympathetic murder. Just to put him and myself out of our misery just for a few hours until he…

August 1st will by my sixth anniversary here. I wasn't expecting to stay here this long, and I know recently, I've been threatening to leave. It is true that I've always wanted to live in San Francisco. ever since I was a little kid, but I've thought long and hard about it, and I'm not leaving.…

the last band I was in, we recorded a bunch of our music, and I was the singer. I never realized the way I talk. That's the way I talk? I sound like a surfer or something. I had no idea I talk like that. Maybe that's why people are always calling me dude. Do I talk like that from living in southern…

MSX3!, you sons of bitches! Ms, god Damn motherfucking X something something, X3! Damn it! Damn it!" "Tomatoes! shut up! You sound like a fucking broken record!" "You shut up. You sound like a broken record!" Now look what you've done! You broke my fucking train of thought!" "MSX3! Oh yeah, that's…

It reeks of desperation and loneliness. Besides Christianity, violence, and starvation, it's the number one contributor to human misery in our world. And top of it, it often leads to Christianity, violence, and starvation. Or those things led to monogamy. It's antisocial and unfriendly to make some…

I came upon a trail that had tire tracks on it. I knew that if I just stayed there for long enough, a car was bound to drive down it. And even if they wouldn't be willing to pick me up, they would hopefully at least, call the cops or something. I laid down making a fresh pallete, and draped myself…

I was taking the Greyhound to visit my mother in Houston, and on the way, the busdriver let us down to stretch our legs and shit and eat shit at a truck stop. I bought one of this little cheap playsets off the rack from Taiwan, so little kids can pretend they're cops. You know?, with a fake badge…

I had moved to San Francisco, and me and my friends were having a caravan in the morning to high school. Yes, that's right. We were adults that were still in high school for some reason. It's pouring rain outside, and I was slumped down in the back seat, drunk as hell feeling that ecstatic bliss…

there's this woman at my work that I have a crush on. Anytime she talks to me, I nearly keel over and die. I can't think straight for hours afterwards and have trouble breathing. I was drinking beer with her the other day and was so fucked in the head for weeks. So, anyways, she comes into my stall…

It can't wait! I have to tell them right now! There is absolutely no way that the world can continue to turn unless I tell them this right now! Brenda and Tad broke up! If you would've waited a whole two hours to learn this information, you would've been so fucked! Everybody would've known about…

so me and Dom were sitting in here in Oakland listening to the Bart go by over and over screaming and yelling. and Susie's next door neighbor comes in here telling us to keep it down. She said she had a headache. I have the perfect remedy for that. Unfortunately, it involves my genitalia. It's…

I regret Nothing; Part Infinity + 1; My body was a gift exchanged between me and god to do with as I please. If I want to wreak havoc on it, that's for me to decide. It's just between me, myself, I, and a few other people of whom, the names: right now, I just don't quite remember. I think one of…

It's just a bunch of people copying each other. Sometimes, it's cool when it has to do with food like Mexican food especially enchiladas, yum!, and when it has to do with music like rancheras or nortenyas or really for that matter, I guess just all music has some cultural context in some form or…

I am the Doctor!, you sons of bitches! getting drunk with Suzy at Dolores Park on a Monday evening, and then I took out my sonic screwdriver, and then, uh uh uh, we did some G-rated ass shit, and some drunk teenagers smashed a beer bottle, and uh, I just you know like explained to them that I was a…

It was so refreshing, my girlfriend owned the Depeche Mode record, Black Celebration, and her roommate's brother who always was hanging out had a daily delivery of cocaine and heroin and a wide supply of clean points. I felt like I was hanging out with my friends back in Texas. But, they don't let…

jail, the final frontier. So, I'm going on unemployment. Unemployment, Carlo Rossi, and a whole shitload of push-ups. Deprivation of the things I like most, drugs and eating. Whenever I want to eat something, in my mind, everything equates in Carlo Rossi bottles. That's like half a bottle of Carlo…

Your name is Alejandro, motherfucker! But, you call yourself, Alex! It makes me fucking sick. You're pretending to be something you're not, and it makes me so ashamed of you! You forced me to cut my hair when I was 6-years-old, and I told you I would never forgive you for that, and you just treated…

I'm here in Portland. Like a big slap in the face, it's been sunny the whole time. God, or rather I should say, the idea of God likes fucking with me, or rather should I say, loves fucking with me. So, I got up this morning with a hangover for the first time in a week thank god (for the hangover…

When I was a little kid, I knew another little boy that hit on every single girl he encountered to be rejected nine times out of ten, to me it didn't even seem worth it. Rejection, it's not a pleasant emotion. "Doesn't that hurt your feelings when they turn you down?" I asked while lounging in the…

I'm having yet another birthday party. This time, it's going to be at Ridge Way. April 24th I know I know I know It sounds totally ridiculous. It's a birthday party two months after my actual birthday, and on top of that, I've already had another birthday party at Coma. And that one was a month…

The other day, I was hanging out with my mother in Oregon, and she asked me if I had any "african-american" friends. She claims she has one. By the way, I should've probably already mentioned this, but she's ultra left-wing. And, I knew where she was going with this question, and it so blatantly…

I'm beginning to feel like a granpa. I long for those ol' timey days when people had some god damn fucking phone etiquette! you stupid sons of fucking bitches! What in the fuck is wrong with your fucking mushed brains, you spineless sniveling nincompoops! My favorite is when somebody calls me, and…

So, I was having sex with my girlfriend the other day, and I just realized that I completely forgot what it was that I was planning to get her for her birthday. I remembered the date at least. I felt pretty good about that. So, I momentarily ceased the humping and inquired. It was something good. I…

So, I was hanging out with my girlfriend. I got off work, put two xanaxes underneath my tongue, did a shot of morphine, and proceeded to chug Steel Reserve and chainsmoke cigarettes. I don't know what the fucking hell was going on. I hadn't gotten much more than three hours of sleep in the past…

I mean, I really want to know if that's truly necessary. But, that's not actually the topic of this blog. It's about this moral corruption that happened to me one winter about two and a half years ago. Not totally sure the year. When I used to live with my girlfriend, Tookie, we had this huge…

So, I didn't really notice until a couple of days ago, but I'm sick. I'm not paying attention to anything going on. I call my morphine dealer, then my heroin dealer, then my morphine dealer, then the heroin dealer. I think I'm taking breaks, but really, I'm disillusioning myself by using different…

I got bed bugs, and considered it a blessing. I had to throw out my bed, and never realized how much I love to sleep on the floor. The bed bugs are gone, but fuck beds! Sleeping on the floor is my prayer. 6 years ago, they towed away my car while I was in jail. My father insisted I needed a car. I…

but still, if you're anything like me, the second anybody of the opposite sex shows any interest in you, at least twenty concrete assumptions flash into your mind. Number one on my list: 1. She doesn't ever look around for a lighter or matches. She always lights her cigarettes off the stove.…

and ponder on how much you've been acting like an asshole. I am so completely burnt out. I have a mortal fear of tree roaches. And I've overcome it. Don't drink Steel Reserve. The Tomatoes crack. Don't even take a sip. You might like it too much. I really really like it. It's delicious. It…

so well. I wake up in the morning, and it takes me all of two seconds to approach the fridge, get some beers, grab my book, and read the living fuck out of it. It doesn't even matter if it's good. I'm totally obsessed with books. It's delicious. It's the best diversion in the world. What does that…

I remain optomystical. These things, they make me remember the joys in life: not sleeping for four days, the warm feel of a five dollar machete handle as I lie in wake waiting for that oportune moment when they barge through the door and I decapitate them, thus proving to my ex-girlfriend that I'm…

Most definitely, I would've given my life during the Civil War. If given the opportunity to fight for Anarchism using physical violence. It's a no-brainer. And I would've never had a vasectomy. Intentional constsnt6 babies, and once they're the age of 8, you're picking up a gun and fighting…

Does anybody read this shit? in regards to anxiety, don't drink a single drop of any beverage containing caffeine. Not even green tea. I was complaining about anxiety to my doctor one time. Throughout my life I've had this neurotic paranoia that I'm being observed by strangers, and I told my doctor…

our ex-boyfriends are not a template. but still, if you're anything like me, the second anybody of the opposite sex shows any interest in you, at least twenty concrete assumptions flash into your mind. Number one on my list: 1. She doesn't ever look around for a lighter or matches. She always…

If you're stupid enough to believe you have any, you deserve whatever you have coming to you. There's a huge difference in the way things supposedly work and the way they actually work. Idealism is nice, and if you're actively striving to make the world a better place to live in, I applaud you, but…

Friday, October 09, 2009 I remain optomystical. These things, they make me remember the joys in life: not sleeping for four days, the warm feel of a five dollar machete handle as I lie in wake waiting for that oportune moment when they barge through the door and I decapitate them, thus proving to…

Wednesday, June 24, 2009 I Don't Remember the Fucking Stork!!!! So, I was having sex with my girlfriend the other day, and I just realized that I completely forgot what it was that I was planning to get her for her birthday. I remembered the date at least. I felt pretty good about that. So, I…

I eventually reverse prank called my drunk friends in Texas. The theme was to be as unentertaining as possible. My tactic was an enriching in-depth monotone monologue concerning the different aspects of the internal components of a starter motor on an ' 89 Honda Civic with approximately 121,594…

Wednesday, March 04, 2009 (Bust Magazine) I'm here in Portland. Like a big slap in the face, it's been sunny the whole time. God, or rather I should say, the idea of God likes fucking with me, or rather should I say, loves fucking with me. So, I got up this morning with a hangover for the first…

Feb 6, 2009 I am the Doctor!, you sons of bitches! getting drunk with Suzy at Dolores Park on a Monday evening, and then I took out my sonic screwdriver, and then, uh uh uh, we did some G-rated ass shit, and some drunk teenagers smashed a beer bottle, and uh, I just you know like explained to them…

About to go to Chopercabras' Spring Fling. If you don't already know about this. I gotta tell you it's one the biggest highlights of the year in the LA area bike world! It is so fucking fun! This is my first one that I'll be attending "sober". The dress-up theme this time is video games. Starting…

after four days no methadone. All on top, everything seems great, It will be no big deal, just hang out, hang out with your friends. But, sick as a motherfucker. The plan was to be all macho and shit. cold cut slice a daily methadone thing whatever. Lay around, don't even drink. NOTHING CAN FUCK…